Q. Often I have trouble knowing what I really want for my life or admitting I want it, even to myself. This is especially true about relationships. Is this a common problem?

A. As a matter of fact, I often hear this from people I am coaching. There can be an unconscious fear of failure or of others thinking less of you when you encounter problems or rejection in a relationship. Of course, it is central to our existence to experience a measure of pain and loss, especially in the most personal and vulnerable areas of our lives. If it didn't matter so much it wouldn't hurt so badly. Therein lies your passion. So you could then conclude that it is impossible to be passionate about something or someone and not be opening yourself up to the pain that accompanies it. This leads to the "not knowing" and "not admitting" what we truly desire and need in order to be whole. It's your way of defending against possible pain. So, you need to ask yourself; is having what you value most dearly worth the risk of the possible hurt that may result from it? Most of us would answer honestly that it is.

Q. What if having a relationship or a certain kind of relationship is just not attainable for me?

A. You need to ask yourself WHY it isn't attainable. Are you basing this belief on your past experiences with relationships? If so, some reality testing is needed here. Your past is just that. What you need to do is ask yourself the hard questions about what happened and why. For instance, was there a problem with the way you approached meeting and dating available people? Or perhaps you ignored your inner longings and voices and pursued or accepted relationships that were missing your key elements for a successful match. Once you ask and answer these kinds of questions honestly, you may very well let go of your negative beliefs.